


Distancing

by CurseOfPurple



Series: Sapnap Centric [2]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Sapnap - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Bonding, Cancer, Clay | Dream Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Death, Discord - Freeform, Doctors, Dream is sad, Ending is kind of rushed, Fainting, Falling asleep in call, Florida, George is worried, GeorgeNotFound Angst, Georgenotfound is sad, Illness, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Karl and Quackity on call, M/M, M/M/M, Multi, No Smut, Nurses, Protective GeorgeNotFound (Video Blogging RPF), Sad, Sapnap Angst (Video Blogging RPF), Sapnap has cancer, Sapnap makes lunch, Self Harm mentioning, Self-Harm, Sickness, Six Months, Texas, but only bc i am good at writing sapnap angst and not dream angst, dying, hospital visits, spoiled milk, throwing up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-22 18:55:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30043209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CurseOfPurple/pseuds/CurseOfPurple
Summary: How does one deal with getting a diagnoses? Sapnap sure as hell doesn't know. You're not trained for this. You're not trained for the pity on people's faces, the emphatic looks. He doesn't want to see them.And he definitely doesn't want to see them on the faces of his best friends, so he hides it.But goddamn George and Dream are persistent.This is sad, so tw for Cancer mentioning, throwing up and hospital visits, and also self-harm/suicide contemplation mentioning
Relationships: Implied Dreamnap - Relationship, dreamnotnap - Relationship, georgenap - Relationship
Series: Sapnap Centric [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2218029
Comments: 7
Kudos: 102





	Distancing

Finding out I had an untreatable illness was the worst thing that anyone could experience. Or at least I thought it was, until I told my family and some of my close friends that I saw daily at school. Seeing each of their faces contort into these unreadable sights, and then complete sadness was dreadful. Telling my family was the worst, they mourned me even though I was still alive. My Mom cried every time she saw me, so I shut myself away in my room. It wasn't as if I didn't know it would be something bad, I'd been feeling horrible weak lately and sick. It was Dream who recommended I get myself checked out, and I promised myself that if he didn't ask how my appointment went then I just wouldn't tell him. He did ask, but I dodged the question and he didn't try again. It wasn't technically lying. 

I called Dream, George and more of my friends nearly every night. They pretended to not notice how my mic would quickly shut off when even a slight sound was made, how often I coughed (although I muted my mic for the majority of those too), and how much earlier I was sleeping. It wasn't on purpose, I was a lot more tired. I doubt the cancer was making me more tired, it was probably the hours I spent up when I was supposed to be sleeping cuddling my Mom and family telling them I was just fine, no real problems. 

Of course, there were many problems. 

I first noticed on discord call with Dream, he was speedrunning live, basically the worst time it could've happened. George made a stupid statement, and I was disproving his point. I had been wearing a beanie to mock Quackity earlier and forgot to take it off, mid-sentence with George I decided to take it off. I ran my hands through my hair and looked at the hat. 

A large ball of hair was sat inside, and when I looked at my hand there was a smaller clump. 

The trailing off mid-sentence didn't go unnoticed by either of them. I saw on my second monitor that Dream's game had paused, looking at Discord, probably, and George was calling out my name in a light tone to not worry anyone. 

"Sorry," I had chuckled, my eyes not pulling themselves away from the hair, "I think I hear my Mom calling me. I'll be right back." The both of them laughed at me, their worries lifting as I muted my mic.

I threw both the hat and the hair away. I stopped Chemo the next day.

Not like it would help, the same Doctor that diagnosed me was one of my Mom's closest friends. She told me that she recommends chemo, but I was in way too deep for it to make any difference. 

_Six months_. 

That's all I had left of my life, of which I had once thought didn't have an accurate timer, six months and I still hadn't told any of my best friends. 

After the streaming incident both George and Dream checked in on me, making sure I was definitely fine. I promised I was, and that was the end of it, we spoke of other things until we got too tired and fell asleep. I decided that night that I would distance myself from everyone, make it easier for them when my ticking bomb finally exploded. The least I could do was make it easier on everyone, I wasn't selfish.

Turns out distancing yourself only makes things worse. I now had everyone I ever spoke to online checking up on me, my fans were worrying that it had been two weeks and I hadn't even posted on social media. Not even when George tweeted a winking face, or when Bad tweeted another suspicious picture of Bad and a mug. I was still too tired to stream, my bones feeling weak and even getting out of bed was a struggle for me, Mom was bringing me food now and talking with me for a while before leaving again. I could see how sad I was making her constantly, and it hurt.

I was getting five calls a night that I would avoid, I gave up replying after the first call. George thought I was angry at them, I saw him say it in a group chat on Discord, Karl thought it might be family stuff, Bad and Quackity agreed. Dream thought something was wrong with me. Not in a horrible way, but he thought that school was stressing me out and I was going to kill myself. I wanted to reply and promise I would never do that, but it was 1am and before I even had to chance of replying I was snoring. 

Dream's comment freaked everyone in the group chat out, as they all automatically thought the worst and next thing I knew I was in a group call trying to sound as alive as possible. 

"Where have you been?" Dream had asked, but it sounded more like a scolding. 

"School stuff. I've moved to online and I've just been busy." I replied. Silence filled the call and I let my eyes get heavy until George spoke. 

"You're not mad at us, right?"

"Did you do something to make me mad at you?" 

"No, but you never go this long without talking..." I felt my heart get heavy, distancing was supposed to mean nobody got hurt. Not that everyone got hurt.

"Sapnap, I have great wifi down here." Dream commented. 

"Thanks for rubbing it in." I had joked, glad to hear a couple static laughs ripple through the call.

"I mean, do you want to move in with me? We speak about it a lot and-"

"I'll think about it." Moving, I remember thinking, would be a great chance for my family to 'mourn' and stop crowding me. I loved them to death, but if I had one more thermometer shoved into my mouth I thought I might punch someone. 

So, that's how I ended up down in Florida.

Mom wasn't too willing to let me go, but I promised I would be safe and I would do all my school work. She wasn't worried about school, though. She made me promise to text every night, knowing I'd be unwilling to call, and that if I ever felt 'unwell' (the words, ' _like death was knocking at your door_ ' remained unspoken but I knew she meant them) that I was to come home and let her take care of me ( _spend my last days with her_ ). 

Dream was welcoming, and I made sure to wear a t-shirt just so he could check my arms and text the second group chat they made without me. I put a jumper on after I was sure I gave him enough chances to check, Texas was a lot warmer than Florida.

I went to bed after an hour of talking and catching up, and I didn't wake up for 24 hours. Not that shocking. 

Dream moved me in, thankfully, whilst I was sleeping. 

He commented on how long I slept, but I shrugged him off as it was a long drive. He believed me.

Living with my family meant they often let me do what I wanted, wanting me to live how I liked during my last days. Dream, on the other hand, didn't know about my cancer so I didn't have an excuse to sleep in until 5pm, fall asleep again at 8pm and barely eat anything. That was an upside, I suppose. 

I was in calls more often, mostly because I felt more left out hearing Dream laughing from his room whilst I threw up in the bathroom toilet. I dragged myself to my desk and got more involved in more streams to the gratefulness of my fans. It was tiring and I fell asleep during a lot of them, to the point Dream sat in with me just to shake me awake. 

I did a stream of my own whilst Dream was out, challenging myself to stay awake. 

I rewatched the VOD, just to see what happened, I fell asleep around an hour in and Dream didn't end stream for another hour when Purpled, who had tuned in after seeing me going for so long, called Quackity who called George who called Dream. Dream left the line at the coffee shop and sped home just to find I had fallen out of my chair and onto the floor. I was uninjured, somehow, but Dream didn't leave the house without me anymore. 

Three months later, things were getting worse. I gave up trying to pretend to be fine, Dream said I should go to a therapist because I seem depressed, I declined.

If I knew declining would cause the spiral that it did, I wouldn't have done it. 

Dream began yelling at me from across the kitchen island, I yelled back just as loud. He accused me of hiding things from him, and called me a bad friend, eventually my yelling turned to loud talking, and then just talking. Dream must have thought he was winning because he thought nothing of it. Then I began to feel dizzy, I mumbled about how I didn't feel good, and then I was out like a light. 

Dream says I was swaying right before I fell, and he caught me just before I hit the ground. He only grew more worried about me and I lied again, telling him I was dehydrated. He brings me a cup of water every two hours now. 

Over the span of three weeks it happened again, four more times. It took me longer and longer to wake up each time and when I went down on the fourth time Dream shoved me into the back of his car and brought me down to A&E. 

I woke up in a bright white room, I groaned and a glass of water was shoved into my hands that I drunk eagerly. A warm hand helped me sit up and adjust to the light, and when I went to thank them when I saw how puffy their eyes were.

"I'm alright, Dream. I probably just haven't eaten enough." I tried to promise, reaching out a hand to his, but he shook me off. "I'm sorry I'm worrying you, I promise I'll eat bet-"

"When were you going to tell me." His words were cold, like ice. It seemed less like a statement than it did an accusation. I stayed silent, trying to avoid his piercing eyes. "When, Sapnap." 

"Soon, I just didn't think-"

"Six months. How long ago were you given that diagnoses?" 

"I don't know, close to four months ago." I feel like in that moment I should've kept the lie going. I should've pretended they got the wrong nineteen year old that recently moved from Texas. I should've got the doctors and nurses in on it. Anything to avoid the hurt in his eyes.

I realised, that when I told myself I was giving my family space, and when I was distancing myself from my friends that I was trying to avoid that exact look. The look that reduced me to nothing but a diagnoses. The look that never wears off. 

Even if I'm laughing with Dream, I'll see his laughter quieten down as he looks at me. He'll look at me the same way my sisters' look at me. Like it's the last time they'll see me laugh, like they're committing it to memory. I hate that. I don't ever want to see that look, if I could help it I would get rid of that look from our brains and we can never make it. 

"I'm sorry." I whispered, my voice breaking as I spoke. He looked between the door and my bed, debating whether to run away in anger or to hug me so hard he wouldn't want to let go. I didn't want to be alone in a hospital, so I made the choice for him.

I grabbed his hand, and with all the strength of a person who's been knocked out for the past two hours can muster, I yanked him into a hug. He cried into my shoulder, for a while. He took small breaks when doctors checked up on me, confirming things they already had marked down. 

I held my breath when I responded to the chemo question, truthfully replying, "No. I don't want treatment." 

Dream's hand clutched mine tightly, and I knew I would hate the way he would look at me. 

For the next three hours as I got checked over, and even in the car ride home I got an earful. He ranted on and on about how good chemo would be, how it could higher my chances of survival. In the middle of his rant I took his hand into mine just as he parked the car in the driveway.

"I tried. It won't do anything, I'll just feel worse about myself. I want to feel as good as possible in the last few months I have." 

Dream encouraged me to tell George, so I did on facetime. 

"Morning." He answered. 

"Morning." I mumbled back, my discord camera on and facing me. Dream was in view next to me.

"George, Sapnap has something to say." Dream said like a parent would to their child who has misbehaved. 

"Oh?" He yawned, turning his camera on with us. His headphones were pushing down his hair that spiked in any direction it could. 

"Please, please don't be mad, or angry." He looked a bit more worried now, so I avoided his eyes. "I wanted to tell you but I don't like seeing you all upset and it seemed stupid to have you worry over something that's uncontrollable." 

"Just tell me, Sap. You're worrying me." 

I bit my lip, I could feel the tears brewing in my eyes already. 

"I have cancer." I whispered so gently I doubt he could hear me. His camera turned off a second later and I heard a small sniffle. "Georgie?" 

"How long have you known?" He asked.

"A while. They gave me..."

"They gave him six months." Dream filled in, figuring that I wasn't going to finish. "He has two of those six left." 

"So, I'm never going to meet you? Are you travelling back home to spend it with your family? What's going on?" George spouted out questions, rambling as his voice became more monotone. I didn't want to think about how close he was to crying. 

"We have a spare room. I'll buy the ticket. Sapnap's already said he's not leaving until he doesn't feel like he has much time left. When he does travel up, we'll book a hotel close and we'll be around as often as possible." 

They arranged more details, but I fell asleep as they spoke. 

When I woke up Karl, Quackity and Bad were in call. They were stressing over why Dream and George were crying when they got into call, apparently. Dream turned off our camera but didn't tell them anything. I didn't have the energy to tell them, so I gave him permission to say and I left to get some water.

Patches weaved through my legs as I waited for my cup to fill.

"You're so beautiful. Promise to cheer them up when I'm not around?" I smiled, rubbing behind her eyes. She meowed like she was replying. "Thank you." 

I giggled to myself and headed back upstairs. Everyone was asking questions and one of the ones that stuck with me was when I was going to tell stream.

"I don't know." I replied to Karl.

"You don't have to, obviously. But what if they notice something is off?" Quackity said.

"They won't." Dream scoffed. "They thought it was funny when Sapnap fell asleep mid-stream and beside some slight worry, for the most part they barely flinched."

"I don't want my stream to know. What you guys do after my death is what you do. Talk about me, my cancer or just pretend it never happened is up to you. I don't mind. But for now, I don't want fans knowing." They all hummed and agreed, but continued to ask if doing certain things would be okay. I was fine with everything they asked, it was for the most part respectful, but it gave me a sense of already being dead, so I changed to topic to meeting them all.

"How about the 14th, in two months? We're all free then right?" 

"My expiration date isn't until the 24th, so that's fine." I heard Quackity let out a small snort, followed by Karl's and soon enough the whole discord was filled with laughter. It made me smile brightly at the thought of them laughing, especially after the hour of awkward silence and small sniffles followed by someone muting so they can cry without disturbing us. Dream lent his head into my shoulder as he laughed, wheezing so hard I thought he would pass out. The way he lent his head on my shoulder now, shoulders shaking from laughter, was much better than shaking when he cried. I would sacrifice my life just so none of them would even feel a hint of sadness ever again.

George moved in with us pretty soon after that. He spent the first month of living with us pretty much always at my side. 

I don't think he wanted to admit it, but he didn't want to be apart from me too long. It was like getting a new puppy with separation anxiety. Even if I was asleep I'd wake up to a cup of cold water on my bedside table, and just to keep his worries at ease I would go looking for him ten minutes after I first woke up. Dream was the same way when he found out, but he realised pretty quickly that him being around me wasn't going to change my condition. I still handled things by myself, I still shoved George off of me when he wanted to help me sit up. I felt bad, I'm sure it's just the feeling of wanting to distance myself as the ticking clock began louder.

George wasn't an affectionate person, so I shouldn't shove him off when he does show any kind of affection but it was like a reflex. 

Once George got over his clingy phase, I missed it pretty soon, he began to fret over how behind he was. He didn't upload for ages, so he had a ton of things to code and record. He didn't ask me to sit in on them, but I didn't mind, I would stream for an hour whilst he recorded. Eventually Dream began falling behind on work, meetings for merch that had been pushed back were now his main attention and he was in them so often that I took it upon myself to make them lunch and dinner.

Everything was going fine. My monthly calls from the hospital were handled without them knowing, my family were becoming more hyper aware that the six months were almost up but I facetimed them during my free times and used all my energy to seem as happy as possible, and it kept them sane for a few days. 

I kept everything under control. I knew from my phone calendar that the next hospital call should be soon, so I kept my phone close to me at all times just so they wouldn't have to pick it up and worry themselves with the dawning feeling that my last month is almost up.

Quackity and Karl, on a call when we got very comfortable and joked about my condition referred to me as 'spoiled milk', and as much as it made me laugh at the time was starting to feel more and more reasonable. I couldn't explain it, but the feeling of my body becoming gross and feeling more and more useless as the days go on are a lot similar to watching milk I don't want to drink going spoiled.

I walked up the stairs, George's was the first on the right, mine just opposite, and I knocked. 

I didn't get a response, but I opened the door anyway. George swivelled round in his chair, pulling a headphone back on his ear to hear me better.

"I bought a new game on the playstation, I bought it with my own money, don't worry. Do you want to join?" I outstretched the hand with the controller in it towards him.

He smiled at me, but shook his head. 

"I'm in a meeting." He whispered, covering his mic. "Something about the wifi back home?" I nodded in understanding, he smiled again. "Later." George promised. 

I nodded, apologising and shutting the door again. I made my way to Dream's door next, knocking on it again.

He yelled for me to come in, so I opened the door, peering in. He had his laptop out and his whole family were calling him. They were on a holiday to some other state, I can't remember, but they called close to everyday to check in, I suppose that's where he got his worrying from.

"Sorry, just wanted to know if you wanted to play a game." Dream looked at me and then back at his computer. "Later, then." He grinned gratefully and I shut the door.

I made my way back down stairs, growing more and more tired with every step. I felt my head becoming dizzy as I sat back down, the TV screen red with a massive 'You died' lit up brightly on the screen.

I chose to not click respawn, giving the level another try in hopes of a better outcome. Instead, I laid down on the sofa, letting my eyes close as my breathing become more shallow. 

I waved goodbye to my family, peeling off my headphones. I stood up, ready to take a nap when I heard ringing from downstairs. I was going to leave it when George opened my door.

"Oh, is it not your phone?" He asked, looking me up and down. 

"No? Must be Sapnap's." I replied.

"I'll go look." He announced, turning to shut the door. I grabbed it and followed him out.

"I'll come with, I needed a drink anyway." 

The ringing became louder the closer we got to downstairs, confirming out suspicions. We made our way to the living room, seeing the 'You Died' illuminating the room, and Sapnap's sleeping figure. 

I picked up the phone as George placed a blanket on top of Sapnap, turning off the screen.

"Hi, is this Nick?" A kind lady down the phone asked.

"No, this is his roommate, Clay. Can I take a message?" 

She chuckled lightly, "Tell him he needs to fill out the questionnaire again, since it's his final month. Although, I've called him every month and his answer for treatment has always been the same." 

"Yes, he's quite stubborn." I laughed with her. "I'll tell him, anything else?" 

"If you don't mind, tell him I loved the chocolates he sent me and that he's my favourite patient to call. Over the last six months he's been the highlight of my day, I must say. His small letter brought a tear to my eyes." Her words were filled with kindness, and it made me smile to think Sapnap's been talking with her even if I didn't know about it. 

"I will. Thank you!"

"Dream." George called, dragging my attention away from the lady as she hung up. 

"Yeah, what's up? You look like you've seen a ghost." I joked, feeling in a better mood from the call.

"Dream, he isn't breathing." 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed, I didn't specify the cancer because I didn't want to get anything wrong or annoy something with inaccurate descriptions. So no, it's not supposed to represent a real cancer. 
> 
> I wrote this whilst I was kind of sad, and according to my notes this took over five hours to write, so there's that I guess.  
> Arguably this is the best thing I have ever written, description wise, the plot is bad but I liked it enough to post it after having it as a draft for nearly a month.


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